I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i think i just lost a toe
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
