At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
