I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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