y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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