if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
