Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
