her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
