....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I could fuck to npr.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
