i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
