i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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