Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
