What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
