He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
