A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
