Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
