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well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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