apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
