wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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