I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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