we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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