You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
