He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
