We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
