I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
