you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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