getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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