ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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