Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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