Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
