I'm so fucking centered right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
