I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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