You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
