I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
