she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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