I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
