So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
