he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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