i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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