it wasn't lemon gatorade
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
