I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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