He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He's on the porch naked. Help.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
