hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
