I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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