He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize