Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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