hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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