Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
