dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
