I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
