I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
