No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
