we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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