Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
