i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
