the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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