Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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