Girls should come with a carfax report
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You've changed since you got that strap on
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
