I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
