saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Boobs speak an international language.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
