Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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