if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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