God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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